Sometimes, believe me, I know I'm a freak. I sat on the edge of the kitchen sink drinking coffee trying to rid a personal shake. Why did I run from that old guy's apartment, like I couldn't excuse myself politely. Am I that afraid of myself--- what I might do?

I painted to try to free myself from inane thought. My painting sucked. I couldn't mix colors let alone hold the brush for that matter, so I stopped and lay on the couch. What I feared to be true was now becoming true. While I accepted that I couldn't change my sexuality, I was hopeful that my kindness to others would not be the same, but here I was again looking to use somebody, greedy beyond my own thought.

And then I found myself back at Frank's. I knocked loud and the dog barked. I smiled as the dog's attack was muffled as Frank closed an interior door shutting out the Thing.

"Hello?" Said Frank, leaning against the inside of the door.

"Frank?"

"Yeah."

"It's Greg."

He opened the door. "Hello. Are you all right?"

"Sure I am. I...ah...." He held the door open more and I walked in.

We sat in the kitchen and since he was on his second glass, he poured me some red wine as well. We toasted. "To art."

We sat awkwardly silent and I remembered what I had decided to lay it on the line and trust my work. If I'm up front and show him my paintings and ask for help, what's wrong with that? It's the lying and the misconceptions that I need to grow out of. So here I was ready to give legitimacy a shot.

"Frank, will you look at my paintings?"

"Sure, why not?"

The dog barked, then howled.

*****

He "ahhed" at Fran's walls, but was quiet as he quickly glanced over the paintings, as if the less time he spent on a painting the more he got it. I didn't like it, it was short-sighted.

He finished and looked at me, "So what are you looking for?"

"Excuse me?"

"You wanted me to look at these, why?"

"I'd like a sponsor or something and you seem to be hooked-in."

He raised his hand, "I'm not 'hooked-in' okay. I love art, I know art, that's all. I can't make a career, I just know what I'm talking about."

"Do you know any sponsors?"

"I've sponsored some people Greg, but I'm not going to sponsor you."

I thought anxiously to think of something clever in the presence of obvious rejection. "I saved your life remember."

He laughed. "Yes, I guess you did and I'll help you out when you're ready, but you're not ready now. You're onto something. I see a vision forming, but you've got a ways to go. Keep painting." And he left.

*****

Fran and I got drunk that night--- both of us agreeing we needed it. I told her she was in love with Shirley and she told me to get a job.