"It is conditioning. A conditioning that started long before any of youhad control."

I watched George from the back of the room behind the kids thatcame because they were confused by the fact they have physical andemotional desires for members of their same sex. Living with feelings I've hadmy entire life: confusion, guilt, and low self-esteem.

We arrived in Palm Springs a day ago and George had been in his roomsince we arrived. But now he stood with presence in front of these kidsthat lapped up everything he said like dry clouds heading for humidweather.

"And now that conditioning can help you, can aid you. The same identicalprocess that sent you down a dysfunctional path can send you down a pathleading to a decent normal life with happiness and love and all thethings that God meant and wants desperately for you to have. Includingme."

And George meant it. He didn't want these kids to have the confusionhe had in his life, but what he fooled himself into thinking was that hecould stop it just by talk. "Talk is a battle of fools and wimps," myfather used to say and now I knew why.

"If you honestly listen to your heart, and put the thoughts of othersaside, that pressure, that belief that there is something wrong with you, you will see your heart telling you you can be anything you want. You have the power of your mind and spirit."

It sounded great I thought. He looked great terrific and was trying to behonest by doing the right thing. And by all accounts, helooked like he was. These kids liked what they were hearing. Maybesome of them would lead a normal life as a result of George'sintentions, but that was not the truth for most. Instead, I realizedthat we were only acerbating their problems. Most of them were like me andGeorge, GAY, and that was the way God intended it be-- for whatever thereason. I wasn't conditioned this way, I WAS this way, and for my wholelife people have told me what I wasn't and now, Goddamnit, that's what I was doing to these poor kids. How could I have let itgo this far?

I watched George for one more minute until I could take no more. Hesaw me squirm but breathed and continued. I left hoping not to doanymore damage to myself or anyone else.

And then I thought of Donna. Shit. I've really messed my life up.