TWO AM

In bed with Donna. She fell asleep early so I slipped in without anyneed for excuses. But my eyes shot open when I felt her hand slide upmy hip.

"Baby." She whispered.

I said nothing.

"Baby." Loudly whispered.

I closed my eyes and prayed.

She pushed at my shoulder.

"Ow, ow, ow." I jumped out of bed and hopped around. It looked like ascene from I LOVE LUCY.

"What? What is it?" She sat up straight.

"A cramp. A goddamn cramp. I need a bath."

"It's two AM."

But she was too late I was already gone with the door shut behind me.

******

"Donna, Donna..." She wasn't home yet. I headed for the john and wasfinishing off when I heard the front door.

"Greg, honey, I'm home."

We met in the kitchen. She had a few bags of groceries. "I'm makingyou pasta Carbonara, spicy spinach salad, and darling..." She pulled outsome white wine. "And a thirty dollar bottle."

"Great! I'm gonna take a shower."

"You sure do take a lot of showers."

"Well, I don't want to be a dirty bird."

"Am I a dirty bird?"

"No baby, you're a Pink Flamingo."

"Thanks."

Stupid idiot is what I thought to myself.

I came back hungry and the woman had my meal waiting. She sat waving her glass of wine as if that was going to taunt me into making love to her. Who would want to was all I could think about.

I chugged back my first glass before even touching the salad.

"Honey, sip it. It was expensive."

"So what the hell, you make me this meal and now I have to follow somerules on how to eat it. How can I enjoy it that way? Huh? I mean to tellyou that I want to enjoy it, but how am I going to like it if you aredictating my every move?" I felt bad, but that didn't stop me.I wanted an answer.

She got up crying. "I just want you to like me."

"Why? You don't like me."

"I do like you." With that the bedroom door slammed. Iyelled to her, "I guess that means no sex tonight. Huh?" And I wasrelieved once again of my husband duties. I chowed down and slept onthe couch.

******

I dialed Fran's number frantically.

"Hello."

"It's me, call me back in one minute, no later than one goddamnminute!"

"What?"

"Call me back."

The woman came into the room. It is now impossible for me to mentionher by name so for your information, my wife, is now referred to as "thewoman."

The woman smiled at me. "I love you. And I know this is hard for you,but I appreciate your apology and you wanting to make it better."

Now I truly wondered why I had apologized.

She sat next to me on the bed and unlaced her shoes. "You're on thepill, right?" I asked.

"Nope."

"What?"

"I stopped. I'm relying on the calendar. Father Feenan, God bless him,convinced me of that. No birth control, remember."

"No."

"Don't worry, I'm not ovulating. I'll let you know when I'm ready to have a baby."

"I'd appreciate that."

THE PHONE RANG THANK GOD!

"Hello...Fran...Are you okay?" I stood and paced. "Oh my God, you're kidding me. That's terrible...I can't right now...I know you were....You're right, you're right...I'll be right over."

CLICK.

"That was Fran."

"Yeah, I got that. What's up?"

"She ah, she, well I don't know if ah she wanted me to tell you."

"I'm your wife. Of course she expects you to tell me."

"She...it's too complicated. I'll tell you when I get home."

I escaped once again but I knew I couldn't keep doing this much longer.