"NOW YOU TELL ME!"

By Hugo

First, to the audience out there who faithfully reads this column:

The management of the magazine has decided, without talking to meabout it first, to include another writer for this column. I harbor no anger. The mag is finally getting with the program and becoming more inclusive. As a result, you will now read me one week and some dyke named "Garbo" the next.

While this doesn't trouble me in the slighest, apparently thepseudonymous "Garbo" wants to engage in some type of penis envyduel of the sexes. Whether it's because she's interested in morepeople reading the column or because she's just an idiot, we'llhave to see.

She has stated that I "whine and kvetch," that I'm "passive-aggressive." I can take these brutal arrows to the heart, ignorethem and move on, but then she goes and belittles my hero, GoreVidal.

Instead of even addressing her snide remarks, notable lack ofcritical thinking and the criticism of her literary betters, Iwill just jump into the arena and examine this "typing" that shecalls writing.

I fail to see the humor about a three way between cult nutcase/plagiarist/Republican Arianna Huffington, Geraldine Ferraro andHillary Clinton. I have laughed hardier and received more in-tellectual stimulation from old re-runs of "Hee Haw." I especiallythink that when you refer to Mrs. Clinton and Mrs. Ferraro, who'vedone much in the public eye that's worthy, as "bitches," then youdo more harm than good. You just end up sounding like a Republican Congressman from California.

In your pathetic waste-of-trees-column, you mis-spelled all threeof the women's names, too. Get thee to a spell check!

Another mis-spelling is S/M goddess Pat Califia--NOT "Califa." Ialso have no idea what you're talking about when you make the"capital punishment" joke. Shouldn't it be "Capitol punishment?"

I'll give you a Thumbs Up for the Doritos joke.

Dole/Culkin: I like the "Mr. Wilson" joke, but Culkin didn't play"Dennis the Menace." Some other no-talent, bottle blonde, pre-pube millionaire did.

Bono/Schroeder: I'm still waiting for the joke. Are you going togive us a punchline in your next column? Is this kind of a suspensething you have going here?

Another Thumbs Up for the Dan Quayle joke. Easy target, but always fun.

Noting the "fag" comment about Barney Frank--was it just a slip or did you really mean to type that?

The Largent/Schott mention was a great opportunity for you to make some points. Instead, you fell flat on your fat ass. Again. You'vegot the "Will there ever be a punch line?" thing going here, too.

Ooo! The suspense is killing me!

Hey! Here's an idea! Don't bother giving us a punch line! You suck!

T.T.F.N.!

H