GARBO WRITES.....

VOL. 1, ISSUE 13

Garbo here. Not Hugo, whining and kvetching about bad sex and tit clamps. And not passive-aggressively complaining about how terrible my life is or (yawn!!!!) waxing poetic about an Gore Vidal's autobiography (read: another guy whining and kvetching about his life).

Let's talk presidential campaigns. To alleviate the severe boredom of the upcoming elections (it started out to be so promising, what with Colin Powell and all), I've come up with fantasy campaigns and running mates. Who cares about policy? These people will guarantee an interesting challenge to Bill 'n Al, and put on a helluva good show!

Geraldine Ferarro and Hilary Clinton:

Campaign song is Elton John's "The Bitch is Back." Democratic party would be scandalized when the National Enquirer photographs Geraldine and Hilary in a three-way with Arianna Huffington

Supreme Court Judge Clarence Thomas and S&M Mama, Pat Califa (ooh, hurt me): Campaign platform promises to reform the justice system. But how will they approach the issue of "capital punishment?"

Mario Cuomo and Ann Richards:

Mario sings "The Yellow Rose of Texas" on the western campaign trail while Ann walks the streets Manhattan trying to convince male voters to "get in bed" with the ticket and promising free bags of Doritos for every voter.

Bob Dole and Macauley Culkin:

An attempt by Dole to reach out to the "rock the vote" youth and a chance for Mac to find a stable father-figure. The campaign would do an updated "Dennis the Menace and Mr. Wilson bit."

Congressman Sonny Bono and Congresswoman Pat Schroeder:

Okay, he's a Republican and she's a Democrat, but they can whine to each other all the way to the White House.

Dan Quayle:

It's just amusing to bring his name up in the same breath as the presidency.

The Old Barney Frank and the New Barney Frank:

Frank's transformation from fat, sloppy fag-in-the-closet to distinguished, powerful and good-looking statesman is the supreme lesson of coming out of the closet.

Steve Largent, former wide receiver for the Seattle Seahawks, and Marge Schott, owner of the Cincinnati Reds:

Quoth he: "the legalization of same sex marriages would be the final blow to the American family."

Quoth she: "Everybody knows Hitler was good in the beginning."

I think any of these Presidential candidate teams would be great for the country and the electoral process! If anyone else has any other ideas who should run this country, e-mail me and we'll run your suggestions in upcoming issues! The person who comes up with the best ticket gets some prize junk, courtesy of my ever-so-generous publisher.

Garbo