The van ride back from The Rainbow Retreat and down Idylwild Mountain was making me nauseous. The endless drone from retreat participants Dave and Dave, mixed with the exhaust and the mountain's windy roads, were wrecking havoc on this morning's poached eggs and sourdough toast.

But God! I was glad this weekend was almost over.

Dave #1 -- of "Dave and Dave" wouldn't shut up. Andrew had bonded with this ridiculous couple, a couple of gym-freaks that were carbon copies of each other and a flawless pair of West Hollywood fags.

"Wow! And what about touching your inner child? I felt myself at 2, 4, and 8. What about you, Dave?" he asked his life partner.

"8...8 was the hardest."

Dave #1 went on, (and on), "It was so real! Like I was regressing back to a time of peace and harmony!"

Andrew was enjoying it. All of it.

Dave #2 chimed in, "I know exactly how you feel, Dave. My favorite part was the dance to The Lambda God. When we all stomped our feet and beat our chests, when we sang 'Higher Love,' I couldn't stop weeping. Weeping for our self-fear and shame."

What must the poor bus driver be thinking? He was clearly hired to cart this group of losers up and down the mountain and I could tell he was straight. He paused from his own thoughts from time to time and looked back at us...then disappeared again into his daydreaming, slowly shaking his head in disgust.

I started daydreaming, too. I began to wonder why I had even bothered to come up here. I began to think of Mark Fitzgerald, his sex, his strength. I thought of Rebecca Granville.

Rebecca Granville....

I knew she was completely in control of her own sexuality-- no questions, no concerns. I fantasized, knowing she must be excellent in bed. I knew she would be free and aggressive, confident and assured. Rebecca, God, help me! If she had been at this retreat, she would have been whispering in my ear and cracking me up.

She would say, "Okay, Dr. Lewis -- I've got more testosterone in my purse than every man in this van combined."

I laughed out loud. Andrew thought it was because of something "The Dave's" had said.

"Aren't they great?" Andrew smiled. "I think we should hang out with them."

I glared and disappeared again into my thoughts. I could hear Rebecca again, "Whaddya say we take control of the van and drive it off a cliff?"

Why was I thinking so much of Rebecca? What did it all mean?