Eric was soft. Eric was never soft. But tonight, he was soft.He'd come home quite late from work. Something about an emergency ligament with a golf pro... yeah, right. I was beginning to notice Eric came home later and later from work these days.

I'd made dinner. Oysters on the half shell-- how's that for obvious? Opened the bottle of Cabernet we spent too much money on and it tasted like vinegar. There went seventy-five dollars.

Eric wasn't hungry because he'd eaten fast food on the way home. He apologized, feigned another migraine and went into the office to do some work, return some calls, and to be alone.

So much for the Weekend Retreat.

Talk about retreating, Eric was further away now than he'd ever been. Maybe it was just a reaction from feeling so exposed over the weekend. I tried to let it slide, to leave him alone. But I couldn't.

I reached out to him.

I wanted to have sex with him. I needed it. I needed the connection.

*****

And Eric was soft. Eric was never soft but tonight he was soft.

"I'm sorry, babe. I guess I'm just exhausted. "

"I know the trick, Eric. Let me get the whipped cream."

"No, Andrew. Please, I'm stuffed. No food sex tonight. Why don't you just... you know... give me a little... you know..."

I smiled and moved down his body.

But nothing doing tonight. After ten minutes, we both gave up. Eric got up to take a shower, I went into the kitchen and did the dishes. The silence was killing me. The tension was killing me. I wondered if we would ever be able to put our relationship back together? I wondered if it really mattered. I wondered if there was a point, if this was worth what we were both feeling?

Later, Eric was in bed reading. He had the remote and skimmed the TV channels while thumbing through a magazine.

I took the remote from him, "Eric -- should we just say forget it? Should we just give up?"

He knew what I meant. He looked at me and saw how upset I was.

"Andrew...I'm trying. I swear I'm trying... No, I don't want us to give up. Not yet... not now... I'm gonna keep trying... okay?"

I smiled. "Okay," I said and got into bed.

We turned out the light... and I thought of one of my favorite songs, a Bonnie Raitt song,

"Turn down the lights, turn down the bed, turn down the voices inside my head... but I can't make you love me if you won't. I can't make your heart feel something it won't."

That night, I felt so alone in the world...so damned alone.