The premiere party for the new film, "Ooo, Baby Baby" was not my idea of a good time.

John Daniel had given the party-- a movie premiere and benefit for a local organization that supported unwed mothers-- to me. Why? Because he knew it'd be in good hands.

I bought everything in L.A. that was pink and blue. We rented twenty live flamingos for the reflection pond. We dyed fifty rabbits blue and let them go in the gardens surrounding the seating area. We invited five hundred mothers from all over town to come, the only requirement-- that they had to have a baby between 3 and 6 months.

They came.

And they brought their babies.

The party was coming off like a million bucks.

*****

Two of the stars in the movie found me, hugging me and telling me I was brilliant with my concept. They offered to have me meet the film's Producer but I declined. I was too busy looking for Diaper Wipes, formula, baby spoons, and Desitin for diaper rash...ughhhhhh!!!!

No!

The party may have been a big hit but I vowed NEVER to involve kids again. Some of the mothers were demanding I pay them overtime because so many people wanted to hold their babies.

One little infant puked all over the glamourous leading actress -- who took it in stride. An hour later I saw the same baby puke all over the male star.

Five flamingos disappeared in a flurry of pink feathers.

The rabbits consumed over five thousand dollars in exotic orchids and strawberry plants; and two of my catering assistants were covered in blue vegetable dye from trying to catch the bunnies. But by this time, everyone was having so much fun, nothing seemed to matter.

No one seemed to notice they were standing ankle deep in rabbit droppings. No one even cared that the decibel level of screaming infants was louder than the flight path of LAX. No one cared about the six foot high stack of dirty diapers.

Babies! Babies! Babies!

No way. If I ever thought I wanted a child -- I was living in a fantasy.

Thank God I'm gay!!

Having to come home to Eric was enough child care for one man to handle.