I checked into the Motel La Queen. I got a room on the second floor overlooking the Queen's pool. I threw all my crap on the bed and stood on the balcony, staring at the laid-out Queen waving at me with her oddly cupped hand and her cold eyes. Her crown twinkled by the reflection of the water.

When I was young my mother would sometimes take my sister and I to the Desert Star Motel, obviously out in the desert. Now it is clear to me she took us there when my father was in one of his moods. It wasn't a bad mood, it was that he would just check out. He wouldn't speak or focus on anything. Catatonic, my mother would accuse him of. Got to be so my mother couldn't take it anymore and she'd have to get away, but to my sister and I those trips were for us--- who were completely entwined in the world of selfish pre-adolescence.

Jamie and I got along in those days like best friends. It wasn't that we didn't know we were completely different from one another, it just didn't matter. Until high school that is, but for a while we were joyous partners in crime, love, and children of our mother.

We both idolized her and copied everything she did. And in the desert it was the best because it was like playtime for us all, including my mother. But the last time we went, my sister and I were shocked at how much my mother played and since then, none of us have spoken.

After browning and burning in the pool at La Serena Village all day, we showered, and dressed for dinner. My mother insisted on girlish dresses which I was beginning to tire of, but Jamie was beginning to relish in. We went to the Princess Restaurant. It was Chinese and my mother let us drink tea and she drank wine. I wanted ribs, but my mother said they were too messy and boy's food. She ordered Chow Mien, Fried Rice, and Kung Pao. We ate with forks. Dad would never tolerate forks in a Chinese Restaurant, "When in Rome," he would say, but it wasn't until years later that I learned the rest of the saying and understood what he meant.

After dinner we walked the desert strip. Neon lights colored strangers' faces who passed us by. My stomach was full but it was hard for me to walk calmly. I swung around a post, walked atop a bench and hopped two feet across any sidewalk scar or crevice. My mother tried to get me to stop until we heard the music--- a horn and a piano.

When we reached the sidewalk cafe that opened up into a bar, we saw the small band and watched the people celebrating and dancing. My mother awkwardly moved her body. "This is good," she said.

"It's all right." My sister seemed embarrassed. I wanted to dance. I pulled her inside, knowing that's what she needed. First I swung her around, but quickly she took over. I could tell people were impressed with us. They smiled and raised their glasses in our direction, but Jamie stood on the sidewalk with her arms crossed. Maybe this was the moment that Jamie and I started war.

Soon we tired and sat at a small empty table. Jamie joined us but didn't say a word while my mother and I laughed and caught our breath. And then he came over. He sat without asking and stared at my mother. He scared me, but Jamie smiled as if she had asked him over herself.

"Mind if I buy you and the girls a drink?"

"As if," I thought waiting for my mother to say no. Who was he anyway, it was much too weird. I did feel sorry for him though, knowing my mother was about to break his heart.

"That'd be so nice."

My sister immediately asked for a Shirley Temple, my mother asked for a glass of wine, and I asked for an Irish Whiskey, Bushmills. My mother slapped my hand, "How do you know what that is?" But to him, she smiled and ordered me a Shirley Temple, which I didn't touch.

Jamie talked about herself the rest of the night, making my mother proud while she continually sneered at my commanding silence.

Later he walked us home. "Go inside girls," said my mother, "I'll be in in a minute."

Inside we waited, until Jamie blurted "You're just jealous cause he took her attention away from you."

"Shut up. Mom's having sex with some other guy and you're yelling at me?"

"She is not. They're just talking."

As I continued to stare down from the motel balcony at the pool below, suddenly I felt sad for my sister Jamie and quickly began to miss her.