"I was just telling Luigi that his mother should be an important part of his life now since this is all out in the open now. I know that since Luigi and you are -- how do you call it, husband and husband... I thought it was time I told you what a wonderful cook you are. When we were at Luigi's house-- I mean your house, too, of course it's your house too-- I told Marco over and over what a wonderful cook you are and how much weight I was gaining. A little too spicy with the spaghetti sauce but very tasty and your pie crust is lighter than air, Andrew. I was telling Luigi this morning that I want your secret to a pie crust like that. So, when you boys come to the east coast you know you always have a room here to say with me and Marco. So, how's your new job, Andrew?

*****

Eric's mother!

SWEET JESUS! WHAT HAPPENED!?!? The nightmare P-Flag mom has arrived.

*****

I was knee deep in meeting the new staff at Eclectic Food, thirty employees in all. I was "on" and trying to be charming, to let them know that I wasn't invading their workplace, that I was a team player, that I wanted to be flexible with scheduling, with personal problems, etc. when my assistant, Janeanne interuppted:

"Excuse me, Andrew... your mother-in-law... is on line two."

Mother-in-law? What? Who in the heck...? Then, of course I got the joke. I picked up the phone --

"Greg! I'm in the middle of-"

But it wasn't Greg -- it was -- it was my MOTHER-IN-LAW. Doing a monologue because no words from my end were necessary. I could have just set the phone down and continued with my meetings but the southern gentleman in me would never do that.

So, I listened.

And listened.

Finally, I couldn't stand it, "Mrs. Espinoza, you said you hated my cooking when you and your husband were here for your vacation."

Pause.

"The truth, Andrew? I was jealous. I could never be such a fancy cook. The way you made everything look, the way you prepared the desserts, the way you set the table...oh, my goodness, I was jealous and I want us to start over. I want us to have a fresh start."

"Fine! Fine, Mrs. Espinoza but I'm at work-- at my NEW job-- and I'm really busy. I'll call you when I get home... okay?"

"Yes, certainly, certainly, Andrew. I don't want to bother you at your job, I am just so happy for you and happy for Luigi. Marco and me are planning another trip out there if you don't come to Rhode Island..."

AND ON AND ON AND ON...

I'm gonna kill Eric.