I had no idea marriage was going to be this hard. I truly believed that I'd be able to swim through it with my eyes closed, but that's far from the truth.

I sat in our kitchen staring at all the food Donna bought for the week. She was putting steak away in the freezer for Friday night, eggs for the breakfast she made me every morning, and sliced meats for me to make sandwiches with whenever I had a pang of hunger. I knew telling her the truth was inevitable, but I knew I couldn't tell her until absolutely necessary. My hatred for her had disappeared with my acceptance of what an asshole I had been and I didn't want to be mean to her any more. As a matter-of-fact, I probably loved her more now than ever. Funny, huh?

She wasn't feeling well so she went to bed after restocking the shelves and I sat and stared at the new cookbook she bought, 101 AMERICAN PIES. The phone was off its cradle and on the counter. I picked itup and returned to my chair. I had shorts on and my skin stuck hard to the plastic of the seat. I remembered Drew's number no problem. "Hey, what's up buddy?" I said.

"You've been hanging out with the breeders for too long," responded Greg.

"'Buddy?' When did you start saying that? But hey, remember Buddy from FATHER KNOWS BEST? What a cutie."

He was right on both accounts, I never referred to men as buddy in my past and Buddy was damn cute. Totally my type. "Yeah, whatever, I called because, well..."

"What?"

"How's Eric doing?" I said quickly, not knowing what to say.

"He's okay. I'm climbing the walls I'm so horny, but we're working it out. What about you? Have any success?"

"What's that mean?"

"I just mean I still can't picture you with a female, that's all. But, we've all got our problems. Even Eric and I..." He faltered. "I mean, even Eric can't perform anymore."

"Really?" I was stunned. "Wow. Ironic, isn't it?

"What's that?"

"Well, I can't either with Donna." Silence. He didn't know what to say. "Yeah, I'm having some problems that I think I'm just about ready to fix, but not quite sure of how to go about it without hurting anyone, including Donna and my father."

"They're supposed to love you no matter what, if they don't, forget them."

"Well, you surely have garnered a hard edge."

"I only have time for the truth anymore. Listen, Eric's going to this sex group that maybe you could get something out of."

Sitting around talking to strangers about me and Donna didn't seem right since I couldn't even tell Donna the truth.

"Hey, it's helping Eric," continued Drew. "I think he talks about us there. You know, says things he can't say to me."

"And you don't care?"

"No, if it will help him, I don't care what they talk about."

*******

Hillary stood in front of me wearing jewelry of an African Queen. Large wooden bracelets, wooden hoop earring, a necklace that would even look too big on Dennis Rodman, and an inappropriate ribbon choker. She was laughing and talking about her trip to India, brushing her long dark brown hair continually to one side or the other with her long painted fingers. "I wasn't sick one day. I took all the necessary precautions and it paid off cause the rest of the group spent half their time on the can while I scurried about like a well suited ambassador."

"Are you some ambassador or something?" I asked.

"Oh no, just the committee chairperson."

"What committee is that?"

"Refreshments!" She guffawed and I thought what the hell did Drew get me into. As I turned away, deciding whether to leave before the group started, I saw Eric. I had forgotten I would see him here and a smile escaped me as he walked over. It seemed as though no time had passed at all even though now I can tell you I had missed my friends.