I dreamt of walking from the ocean to a wooded snow-covered path with people, any people, and a golden retriever. Our walk was interrupted by folding chairs blocking our path, but we didn't care because all of a sudden there was a pack of dogs playing wildly. Our golden retriever joined them and we watched in amusement. The bells rang and I figured they were for Christmas, but...

It was my phone ringing. I didn't answer and let the machine pick up. Whoever it was hung up. It rang again, maybe an emergency so I sat up, leaned over, and picked up the black handle. It was cold against mywarm sleeping face.

"Hello."

"How could you do it? I gave you a break." It was Helen crying hysterically. "I've been sitting all night not wanting to call or see you, to just have the studio fire you in the morning, but I've got to say it, FUCK YOU." Click, she hung up.

I called her back. Her machine picked up, "Helen, you're there, pick up. Helen, please pick up and just talk to me, tell me, please."

Finally, "You set me up!"

"I didn't, I swear, I don't know what you're talking about."

"Well, you will tomorrow when you read the LA TIMES."

"Why?" Too late, she hung up again.

It was four o'clock and I couldn't sleep so I got up and headed for the AM/PM. Nothing on the front page. But there on the front page of the Calendar section was Helen with me at Mocha Daze. She's crying and touching my arm and the headline read, "Is Out In, Or Is Out Out?"

"Holy Shit, " I whispered. It went on to say that Robbin's organization was officially outing her and that I am her lover.

I drove home fast and called Robbin.

"How could you do this? This is not your life. It's Helen's life, it's my life and now I'm out of a job again."

"No sweat," Robbin said, "We want you on our payroll anyway."

"What payroll?"

"We'll take care of you."

"I don't need to be taken care of. At least I didn't before I met you. I was trying to help you and now...you've ruined two lives."

"I don't think so, besides, look at the big picture. I don't mean to be flip about it, but you've got to understand my organization represents thousands of people in California alone who don't want to hide anymore, and with Helen coming out-- it sends a clear message."

"She's not coming out, you threw her out."

"If everyone who's gay were to come out, imagine the possibilities. The legislature would have to give us equal rights, marriage- being gay wouldn't even be an issue."

"You're a freak." I slammed down the phone. It was 5:30 am. I took a long shower.

******

Lucio called me at seven and told me to come see him at the studio immediately. It was 7:15 am.

"You screwed up Fran." I appreciated his straight forwardness.

"Please understand-Helen's got to know that I didn't out her."

"This is the deal. You're fired and you're not allowed to make any contact with the studio or Helen."

"That's not fair."

"Tell her I said thank you," I said sarcastically.

"No, I don't think so."

My heart dropped and I wanted to cry, but I held on. "Thanks Lucio, call me if you or Helen need anything."

"We won't be calling."

*******

Fired again. I bought a bottle of tequila and headed home. It was 9:15am.

I sat on the couch and sucked back a shot and gagged, but it numbed me quickly. I picked up my mail from the days previous and noticed the little white envelope with my address handwritten.

DEAR FRAN,

PLEASE COME TO MY DINNER PARTY AT MOCHA DAZE, SATURDAY, JUNE 20, AT EIGHT.

STEVE

I would go, but should I arrive sober or drunk?