Skin touching skin, lips moving across tongues, and muscles stretching across hands, thighs, stomachs, and chests. Drew and I were making love in the living room and all I could think about was crying.

Sobs of joy, because the one man in my life who continued to be an inspiration, was next to me, on top of me, entangled with me, inside of me. And I was into it but more importantly, I was into Drew. The lights were on, my eyes were open, and we made love with great abandonment in the middle of our living room.

All that pain and loneliness of my sexual activities, putting my life and our relationship at risk, were behind me. Now all I wanted was for Drew to see me as who I truly was, not who I became.

Later, as Drew slept, I lay in bed watching the shadows dance across the ceiling. Moving tree branches, swaying in the evening breeze, limbs and leaves slowly turning-back and forth. And in the light, I saw reflected the arms and legs of various men-all of the men I had ever slept with-all staring at me in judgment.

I blinked my eyes and stared again- seeing only tree limbs. But like some bizarre 3-D computer graphic, my depth of field changed and suddenly I was seeing the images of men staring me down, all inside a forest of heavy greens and tree trunk browns.

They moved closer and I could tell they were naked, most of them slyly smiling. I felt like the last person in on the joke. There was the hustler from Santa Barbara, the football hero, the crowds from the sex club-all staring at me.

And then they began to giggle, until the giggling turned to laughter. I couldn't help but smile at the barrage of men smiling at me. And then it dawned on me, "why are they laughing?"

They knew me then, not now. I was a sex addict and still am, only now I'm in recovery. Were they laughing because I was sleeping next to the man that I loved, or were they laughing because they understood it was only a matter of time before I slipped again?

And then as fast as the laughter came, it stopped, and the wall of men in this 3-D forest looked away, as if saying good-bye to a dear friend at the airport. Their eyes were filled with sadness and suddenly I wanted the laughter back. I wanted the smiles. Then, with their shoulders slumped forward and their faces forlorn, the men began to disappear. One by one, they moved to the corners of the ceiling forest, vanishing into the green shadows of light.

I blinked my eyes, staring at the ceiling of tree limbs, branches and leaves-all moving in the summer breeze of warm night air.

Drew stirred, rising out of bed and crossing to the bathroom. He shut the door.

Why did he do that? He never shuts the door to pee. I heard it hit the toilet bowl and for the life of me I couldn't understand why he shut the door.

Relax, Eric, you're paranoid. Maybe he just wanted to be alone.

He returned to bed, falling into the sheets and slumber. I cradled him, kissing him on the neck.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, baby. Why?"

"You shut the door."

He rolled over, looking at me. "What?"

"You shut the door. To pee."

He continued to stare at me. "Eric, what are you talking about?" He sounded concerned and suddenly I felt like an idiot.

"You..." I faltered. "You never shut the door to pee, that's all. I was wondering if you were okay."

He smiled. "You're really bothered by this. Listen, it's nothing, I just had a bad dream. Really bizarre. I was in this forest and all these men were chasing me."

"Forest?"

"Yeah, and first they were laughing."

My heart sank, my stomach flopped, and my eyes shut.

"What?" Drew asked.

"I...had the same dream. A forest," I continued. "Where all these men were laughing at me. Men I'd been with."

"Was Steve there?"

"No."

"In mine, he was. I chased him into this forest and then all these men started chasing me. He was trying to kill someone."

I looked up at the ceiling. He raised his head as well, looking at the swaying tree branches on our bedroom roof. We took each other's hands in silence and I couldn't help but feel this overwhelming sense that something very bad was about to happen at Steve's dinner party this Friday.