He's brought me presents, flowers, fruit, and copies of his favorite CD's. The last one he gave me was "Bernie Schwartzkauf Does Hollywood's Best Musicals." On the cover was a picture of some famous bald dwarf standing in the first O of the Hollywood sign, his mouth wide open and his arms projecting a V towards the light blue sky. He wore an Austrian outfit as if from "The Sound of Music." And believe it or not, it actually wasn't bad. I made a cassette copy of it and whenever I play it, I can't help but smile.
The other thing about Albert is he loves to gossip. So while I'm sure not to tell him anything, I am always the first one to stand close to hear any new tidbits of lewd behavior. This is how I heard about Helen's visitor, PJ. It is her. It is Helen's girlfriend. I wanted more information from Albert but didn't want to reveal my romantic agenda
"So Albert, has she been here before?"
Albert was about thirty and startling bald, but his vanity, which was guarded, prevented any acknowledgment of his hair loss. His right hand would always habitually fondle the remains of his shoulder length brown strands. Anyone could see he had a love for his deteriorating mane. "Yeah sure," he proudly said, "PJ used to come all the time and the two of them would go at it in the trailer all day, like the midgets in 'The Wizard of OZ.'"
"Excuse me?"
"Oh you know that story, don't you?"
I shrugged and nodded, "No."
"Well, those midgets were hornier than monkeys in April and in spite of everybody's efforts to stop the capitulating, they screwed in the rafters, webbed-filled basements, dark corners, even in the prop trees."
"And Helen and PJ?"
"Oh no, they kept it to Helen's trailer, but they're both pretty loud so everybody knew, beside Helen was always in a great mood. But you know PJ hasn't been here in months."
"Oh, well." And I casually walked away.
I was sitting in a chair outside Helen's trailer when PJ pulled up in a glistening red sports car, Mercedes. Her tan legs reminded me of a young horse. They were tan, young, and unending. Her short brown linen skirt wrinkled around her waist as she pulled it down when she stood. Her auburn hair was long, wavy, and probably would make Julia Roberts jealous. She was gorgeous. Well, that was it I thought. How the hell do I compete with that?
PJ approached the trailer and had no intention of acknowledging my existence when she, without hesitation, swung the trailer door open and climbed in.
I heard no conversation at first and then I heard Helen. "Well then, why did you bother coming at all?"
"Because you told me to."
"I didn't tell you to. I asked you if you wanted to. Don't twist my words. You know not to do that.
"I'll do what I want."
"Well I know that, don't I?"
"What's that suppose to mean?
"Whatever, just go if you don't want to be here. I got to get to the set."
I scampered towards the stage door so Helen wouldn't think I heard anything. When they came out Helen went to the stage, passing and ignoring me, while PJ, the wild stallion who anybody would want to screw, got in her car and carelessly drove off.
Helen didn't speak to me or anybody the rest of the day. While this was a drag, I figured the big picture looked pretty good. Clearly their relationship was doomed, but now I had to figure out how to keep other models from Helen's view.
