Okay, this was the day I was going to do it, no question. The thought of it, and my palms heated. I remember the first time I asked a chick to go out with me. Elaine. Elaine? Elaine-something. I don't know why, but I had it in my head that she was t

he girl for me. More than sex, I fantasized about living with her, eating

meals, shopping, driving, and growing old with her. I was only nineteen but ignorantly envisioned the rest of my life with her. I knew Elaine and I would retire together in

a lesbian nursing home and win all the bridge tournaments.



Elaine had jet black hair tied tightly back. I saw her around town in all the dyke hang outs. She was always with someone until one night I found her alone, sitting at a bar. Bravely, I squeezed onto the barstool next to her and ordered a Bud. I looke

d over, "Can I buy you another?"



She smirked, "Absolutely." She told me about herself, sucked down her beer, and said she had to go. This was daring but... "Listen Elaine, how about dinner some night?"



Like she knew exactly what I was going to say, she answered, "I don't think so." And she left. Whoa, that didn't just happen to me, did it? But it did and look at me now: breathing, happy, and alive. I mean, I can't even remember her last name. So wha

t if Helen turns me down? It's not going to kill me.



I sat in her trailer trying to open a clear plastic box of straight pins while Helen read The New Yorker. I pulled hard. I used my teeth against the knobs that locked the top and bottom together. My eyes glanced up to her while my teeth and faced gritt

ed, tensed, and worked the plastic container. In the middle of her article, Helen glanced up saying, "I can't stand John Updike. What a misogynistic asshole. He has no clue about women, and rattles on like it doesn't matter."



"Um huh." I mumbled through my clenched teeth.



"What are you .... ?"



Too late. The bottom came loose and the top flipped up. Inch long silver straight pins flew throughout the trailer and into Helen's hair.



"You're not so good with pins, are you?"



My shoulders involuntarily shrugged. Helen laughed and with pins sticking out of her blond hair, she returned to her article. She was in a good mood. Now was the time. I could do it now. I could.



"Helen."



"Yeah?"



"Uh .... I'm going to run to the stage. I'll be right back." I was nineteen years old all over again, preparing for total rejection.



Later I found myself standing in the bathroom staring in the mirror, talking to myself. I checked the stalls, nobody.



"You're not so bad looking Fran. As a matter of fact, you're pretty cute. C'mon, you can do it. There's definitely a connection, so what's the problem? The problem is she a millionaire and you're still struggling to pay the rent. Money is not a big d

eal; it a people thing." I started talking faster and out of control. "So look, all you got to do is say, 'Helen come over for dinner?' That's it, demand it. Make it so she can't say no. I think that's what she wants. She's always telling everybody a

round here what to do, I bet she's dying for someone to tell her what to do."



The door swung open and there she stood, and there I stood, obviously guilty.



"Hi," I stammered.



"What's going on?" She looked happy and totally cute.



"Helen, I got to ask you something."



"Sure. Go ahead."



Remember, I thought to myself be demanding. "Do you think maybe you would like to maybe come over for dinner or maybe just a drink or maybe we could go have a drink?" I reached into my pocket and pulled out some Juicy Fruit, "How about a stick of gum?"



Smiling she said, " Fran, you are about the sweetest thing I've ever seen." Well, that was good I thought. "But, I'm seeing someone." My heart sunk and I wanted to run, just run.



"Oh, well, that's great."



"Fran, it's not great, but I'm going to try to work it out. I'm not going to lie; I love her, PJ that is."



"PJ?"



"Yeah, but Fran I got to tell you, I would in a second under other circumstances."



I looked her straight in the eye and said, "Good, because I got to tell you, I really like you."



Her smiled brightened more than I had ever seen. I was happy. Happy that I made her happy, but more because I laid it on the line. This was the new me. No more aloofness, just straight forward and honest.