I had fallen asleep at work...at my desk. I was dreaming...

Of making love to Rebecca.

We were in a bed... somewhere...San Francisco, I think. We were naked and I could see her breasts, her butt, her beautiful face. I was naked too, and confused. I couldn't figure out why I was there as I felt her touch me.

She touched me...between my legs.

I woke up-- almost screaming.

*****

I sat alone in the kitchen at the Clinic.

Still reeling from the nightmare.

What the hell had I been thinking? Why had I gotten myself involved in this, this weird relationship with Rebecca Granville. I knew, I knew as surely as I was alive, there was no possible way I could ever have sex with her.

My nightmare had only made it conscious for me. Now what? Now what the hell was I supposed to do? I had made it clear I wanted her sexually. I had solidified myself as a suitor to her. What would happen to my job if I turned her down? What would happen with her father? He would hate me. He would see to it I was fired by the Board.

Good God! What had I done?

I tore out of the building and got into my car.

I drove... as fast as I could I just drove and drove and drove....

*****

I was on Mulholland. It was dusk and I was alone in the car, the music low, and the city lights before me.

I was losing my mind.

I was losing myself, my sense of purpose, my sense of being. Eric Lewis was in a stable, nurturing relationship. He was a gay man in a gay relationship with a great guy -- and yet that wasn't enough...it was never enough.

I looked down and realized I had stopped at a magazine stand. Beverly Boulevard came to mind. I must have stopped near the Clinic.

I opened the brown paper bag and pulled out two skin magazines. Hardcore gay sex filled the pages, photos of orgies, of three-ways, of couples...

All men.

I looked around and made certain I was alone. Very little traffic...

I opened the magazine and found a shot of a guy who looked a lot like Andrew. But it wasn't.

I unzipped my fly and realized I was beginning to feel like Eric again.