Now that I've gotten that off my chest, let me explain why, in a reasonable way, holiday by holiday, why said holidays are the "i" word.
NEW YEAR'S DAY: You wake up in underwear that is not your own (and not very clean, either). You have a hangover. You feel like an elephant sat on you and shit on your head.
ST. PATRICK'S DAY: Do you know anybody, besides the Green Hornet and The Riddler, who look good in green? I thought so! Only leprechauns look good dressing like mold. I don't know any leprechauns, do you?
APRIL FOOL'S DAY: Practical jokes? Puh-lease! Grow up! Letting your cat make stinky in your bratty neighbor kid's sandbox or having a hundred pizzas delivered to them is so passe' (prank phone calls asking if somebody has Prince Albert in a can means something totally different now than it did when I was a kid).
This should be combined with Tax Day and Election Day for maximum ironic effect.
MEMORIAL DAY: Dead People? Wars? Old guys in uniforms that don't fit them anymore? No thanks! My attitude is: When we get past "Don't Ask. Don't Tell." and we have a Tomb of the Known Gay Soldier, I'll salute and cry and pray. Not until then.
ARBOR DAY: A holiday celebrating shrubbery? What mysterious gardening lobby got that happening (ha! Sounds like a blind item!)?
ASSORTED PRESIDENT'S DAYS: Why not a cute President's day? Like a JFK holiday!?! A day of debauchery, pork products and Marilyn Monroe movies! Think of the lovely Jackie O. dresses, the adorable pictures of JFK Jr.!
FOURTH OF JULY: Oliver Stone ruined this day for me. Seeing a single sparkler makes me think of Tom Cruise in a wheelchair (see Memorial Day above).
The two holidays I DO like:
CHRISTMAS: Because it celebrates a day when fat, bald and jolly Daddies give presents to good little boys. This is a holiday close to my heart, for reasons that a glance at my photo should reveal.
and
VALENTINE'S DAY: While I will most likely be celebrating this holiday alone with a Tim Lowe video and a bottle of hand lotion, don't let my melancholy stop you (it's not going to stop me!)! Celebrate L-O-V-E and the erotic virtues of chocolate and expensive jewelry! Come to Mocha Daze, buy some caffeine, go home and hump like bunnies. Don't forget your condoms and send me pictures!
And tomorrow-- watch for my SPECIAL VALENTINE'S DAY COLUMN with your special messages.
T.T.F.N.!
H
