I told him all about Andrew's big decision to completely end his connection with Mark Fitzgerald. Andrew confessed to me that it was difficult for him to be around Mark, that there was just too much unfinished business from their college days, and he'd decided to take a long-- no, make that very long-- break from him.
Wish I'd been able to do the same.
I kept thinking about New Year's Eve.
And Mark, his mouth on mine, his arms reaching around me and his hands kneading my shoulders as he dug into my mouth with his, with his tongue, his teeth, his lips...
"Another Espresso, Eric?", Hugo was back and I was a million miles from the bar at Mocha Daze. I faltered and giggled for no reason, Hugo gave me "that look" and went to get me another shot of coffee.
Yeah... so... where was I... ???
Drew.
Drew had ended... see?!? See what that Mark Fitzgerald does to me? He dislodges me!
My hands were shaking, I couldn't hold the coffee cup, I should never have thought about Mark Fitzgerald --- good God, what was I doing? If Andrew could stop seeing Mark, I should be able to stop thinking about him. Shouldn't I?
Blue Films.
I remember the first time I'd heard that term... blue films. Dirty movies. Dirty pictures... yes, the same kinds of pictures I had from Drew's photo shoot with Greg... and now I was wondering why I even had them.
I'd gone back to the house after coffee with Hugo and, in my mind, with Mark Fitzgerald. I quickly snapped of that however with the memory that Drew had ended his friendship with Mark because of his commitment to me.
That got me to thinking.
Trust.
Yeah, that word again. Where was the trust in my commitment with Drew? Shouldn't I have just let them take those pictures and minded my own business? Why did I send them to that magazine? What did that mean? Was I demented? I guess so.
I wanted to get those photos and put them back in the guest house where I'd found them... I wanted to stop thinking of Mark Fitzgerald. I wanted to be alone on a mountain with Andrew -- away from desire, away from compulsion, away from obsession...
But I wasn't, I was home. And I had to deal with this. All of it.
