The same lecture Andrew gave me this morning...
"I know it's difficult Eric, but you got to be a man, and deal with this. You're gonna lose that boyfriend of yours if you don't come out, come out wherever you are! You will be SO MUCH HAPPIER if you just tell the Espinoza's you're gay.... God, do it, do it, do it!"
All this based on last night and my damn mother coming into our room, without knocking...
What a sight.
Me on my back, Andrew on top of me, buck naked, pumped and oiled, both of us ready for "it"... I mean, we agreed, no sex while they were here but one thing led to another, then we promised to stop at BJ's... then well, the rest is a blurrrrrrr in the sound of Mama going, "Ahhhhhhhhhh" and leaving the room.
"Mama, what's the matter with you? Why are you so freaked out? Andrew lost his... his contact lens and we found it stuck on the wall above the bed. You know, those things are sticky and it flew out and he was reaching up to get it... Mama?"
"I know, I know, but the sight of him and his, his, his nakedness on top of you -- it frightened me."
She's been reading too many romance novels, she thought I was in bed with Fabio. She was probably jealous. But I'm sure she went right back to bed and woke up Papa, called my sister in Rhode Island, and all the relatives...
"Go out there, Eric. Go out there and tell her the truth! This is the time, now is the time. You promised me you would do this, you said it had to be in person, well -- they're here, they're in person, they're not gonna get any more "in person" Eric -- now go!"
I went.
But I couldn't.
I remember over and over the stories Mama told me when I was a kid in grade school, "Stay away from those boys, Luigi -- they're bad boys, they're evil, they're gonna go to hell, Luigi. Not like you, you're an angel, Luigi."
I'm an angel.
An angel who is lying to his mother and father.
What kind of son am I? What kind of person am I to lie like this? Is this how I get a guarantee for a place in heaven? By lying? By keeping this side of me from them? By destroying my relationship with Andrew?
I kneel at the alter in the church...
Dear God, tell me what to do. Tell me how to find the strength, give me the strength to stop lying to them, to tell them the truth. Accept me, God. I know it's hard -- but accept me, and tell them to accept me. I love them, God. I don't want to hurt them.
I love you, God. I don't want to hurt you.
Give strength. Give me strength.
