Ever have one of those moments in life when you realize what kind of person you are and how others must perceive you? I am an asshole, plain and simple. Get in my way, I will push you aside. Drive too slow on the freeway, I will cut you off.

See, life is about surviving and I have no time for the weak. If you can't cross the finish line, then get the hell out of the race. And as far as I'm concerned, there are too many people in this race.

God, I can look at Barbra in the face and feel so empty. And I'm marrying her. Committing my life to her. Stupid woman, can't she see it? I suppose not because her loneliness is a bigger fear than I'll ever be.

"How was your day?" she asks, coming into Mocha Daze as I finish cleaning the counter.

"Busy. The new iced mochas are going over bigger than we thought. Might have to get some help in here."

She leaned up and kissed me on my neck. To quote the musical A Chorus Line, "I felt nothing."

She pulled out some honeymoon brochures to the South Pacific, explaining how she was looking forward to exploring a deserted island with me. I immediately suggested a more crowded destination-- like Bora Bora. There was no way in hell I was going to spend my honeymoon alone with her in some gorgeous paradise for an entire two weeks-- and pretend to like it.

The Bora-Bora brochure had a photo of a beautiful native girl talking to two white bread tourists. All three of them were extremely attractive and I quickly fantasized about a menage. Get Barbra to bed early and then go out. Regardless, I knew I could make our honeymoon a good time.

"What about Bora-Bora?" I asked.

"Seems awfully busy. Looks like a smaller Honolulu."

"I love Honolulu."

"I guess...I think this would be more romantic." She showed me a photograph of two people walking alone on an empty beach.

"We could do that, too. Get the best of both worlds."

She looked at me and I smiled, "I love you so much." And leaned in and gave her a wet one.

She responded.

"Sometimes Steve, I think you're just manipulating me to get what you want."

Hey, she had a brain. Who knew.

"I wouldn't call it manipulating, I'd call it...flirting."

I kissed her again and felt myself get aroused, flashing on a three-way in Bora-Bora.

She began to giggle that giggle-- the little chuckle that meant she was happy. I knew I was pushing the right buttons.

We stared each other down and then I left the counter, walked to the front door, locked it, and proceeded to turn off the lights.

"What are you doing?" asked Barbra, knowing exactly what I was doing.

I came at her, strong, and then we tongued. She could get my motor running if I just let go. And for a moment, as we leaned against a corner table making love, I didn't feel like an asshole. I felt...human.

Until I thought of Bora-Bora and realized what I was capable of.