Ned is being terrific. Taking care of me, babying me, making sure I'm happy. But if that's true, why am I beginning to resent him for it?
Perhaps it's because he's a man.
Yes, I've landed on my feet, but I'm not sure if I'm a cat or a dog, content or placating, truthful or lying, GAY or STRAIGHT.
I suppose that's the big issue that causing me to get annoyed when Ned rubs my shoulders. Sometimes it turns me on, other times it simply revolts me.
I yearn for the softness of a woman. The gentleness. The purr. The smell.
Sex with men, as a straight man, IS interesting-- I have to admit. It's not disgusting, it's not sick, it's not abnormal. Bottom line? It's sex between two people. It's weird, I'll admit that. Kissing a guy is a rush because it's...well, not normal. I mean, it's normal for gay men. Duh. But for me, it's not as natural as kissing a woman. Maybe because that's what I know.
I don't know. I don't know much anymore.
I'm just grateful to be alive. Friday and Gannon are still going to try to take me out, I know that in my gut. But they're going to have to die trying. My chicken pox feel better, though I wonder if I'm going to look like this-- the elephant man-- the rest of my life.
Oh man, here comes Ned. All smiling, so happy to see me.
Sex with men, all right-- it's different. But the other stuff, like the hand holding, snuggling, candlelight, small talk-- it's just...creepy. And he loves it. He loves loving other men. But I just...can't do that.
MY LIST OF WHAT I CANNOT DO WITH NED:Hold hands in public.Kiss in a movie line.Feel a woman's thigh.Touch a woman's breast.
Ned says that we can do the first two-- but that freaks me out. In public?
"What are you thinking about?" Ned asks, sitting on the edge of my bed.
"Us."
"Really? Anything good or just plain horror?"
"Why? Do I look scared?"
"No." He pauses. "Petrified."
I look the other way, unable to continue. He got me. Damn, how can he do that?
"So let me guess. You're questioning all of this, right? You, me, us...?" He stares me down, waiting for a response. But I give him none.
"Me too. If you want to leave, you can. Anytime."
And he walks away.
Why'd he leave? God, one minute I can't stand him and the next minute I want him right by my side. What is happening to me?
