NOW YOU TELL ME!!

by Hugo

December 22, 1995 Vol. I, Issue No. 2

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NOW YOU TELL ME!by Hugo Ciccarelli

With Christmas just days away, and the stores running out of stock, itās easy to fall out of theChristmas mood. All those long lines at the mall, more traffic than usual, insolent salespeople, plastic Christmas trees and bloated charge accounts.

To avoid becoming a Scrooge yourself during the homestretch to the Big Day, I have assembled the following Top Four list of things to NOT do. Follow these step-by-step and I guarantee your bells will be a jingling and your chestnuts a roasting:

"Top Four?" you say, rudely. "Why isn't it a Top Ten list?"

Honey? Get over it! Who has the time? I've still got shopping to do!

4) DO NOT give your twenty-year-old can of beets to the poor as part of your Christmas basket to them. This is not charity, sweetheart. This is rude! If you don't want it, why should they?

You ARE allowed to give them warm blankets or one of those nice Eddie Bauer sweaters I saw the other day in the mall. That would be nicer. No complaints about the price tag! Shame on you! It's Christmas!

3) DO NOT allow anyone to take you to see that timeless classic (ZZZzzzz) "The Nutcracker"--BO-RING! When faced with a sugarplum fairy, honey, run in the opposite direction as fast as you can!

You ARE allowed to watch the queerer-than-thou version by choreographer Mark Morris. If Newt and the boys let PBS have enough money to show it, again.

2) DO NOT put Christmas tree lights on the outside of your house, unless, of course, you live in a tree house.

You ARE allowed to decoratively drape them in your boudoir, so that the many visitors there will be reminded to give you the "presents" that you deserve. I'm partial to the red ones that look like chili peppers.

1) DO NOT watch any film with Macauley Culkin or Jimmy Stewart in it.

If you have finished your shopping and you are 'Home Alone,' you ARE allowed to rent any video with Jeff Stryker or Ryan Idol in it, instead. Not only do they both look like adult-sized Ken dolls, they never fail to put me in the holiday...mood.

T.T.F.N.