I drove past the apartment Drew was first living in when we met-- where we spent a lot of time together in the beginning. Mostly weeknights, since it was closer to both our jobs, so we would meet after work. Dying to get to each other, we'd crank up the music-- that CD with the Gregorian chants set to the dull throb of a disco beat-- and we'd make love for hours until we both had sexual hangovers.
Someone else was now in his apartment-- a young college girl I saw once lock the front door and get into her car. I wondered if she was in love? Was she having as many great nights in her bedroom as I once shared with Andrew?
I found my way to the office without noticing I had even driven there. That's always so strange, I thought. One minute you're driving, the next minute you're there -- and you don't remember the trip.
I went into my office, thanking God Janeanne didn't speak to me. She was a sweet person and the last thing I wanted at this point was someone to say something supportive or kind or nurturing... it'd be the thing that broke me.
I said softly to her as I closed my door, "hold my calls, okay?"
She knew something was up, nodded and smiled tenderly. Whoa. That almost did it -- just the smile almost opened the flood gates.
It was 90 minutes before I looked back from the window outside. I'd been mesmerized by the traffic below and the activity of the building across from mine-- people working, talking on the phone, living...
Again, my mind wandered. I kept seeing Andrew seeing me with Mark in the bathroom. I kept seeing his eyes shining. Drew could always cry at a moments notice-- not a feminine cry, or the crying of a child-- he cried with honesty -- with truth and compassion.
I saw him looking at us, a smile still on his face just before he walked in. His smile froze as he looked at me. He looked at Mark, then back to me. Mark wasn't what he was concerned with because it could have been anyone. No, the grief came from the simple act of betrayal-- hah! Simple... nothing was simple about betrayal-- and nothing was simple about trying to repair a broken relationship.
I finally heard Janeanne at the door, "Eric, I know you said to hold your calls but it's your friend Robert, he's returning your call?"
"I'll take it, Janeanne. Thanks." I took a breath and picked up, "Hi, Robert."
"Well, what trouble have you gotten yourself into this time, baby?"
"Real trouble -- it's Andrew. I blew it, Robert. Big-time. And I'm having such thoughts, Robert... such thoughts."
"Like what?" he asked.
"Like what's the point? Why bother? I have it all and I destroy it. Jesus, Robert-- I am lucky enough to have someone in my life like Andrew -- and I betray him. I don't deserve him at all. I feel like this was meant to happen..."
I felt myself getting to that point where you just can't hold back. I was shaking and my lip was starting to go. Suddenly, I felt like a five-year-old that lost his dog in a car accident. I felt so utterly alone and so confused.
Robert did his best but I knew no one could help me out of this despair. I told him I appreciated his comfort and got off the phone pretty quickly. I had to get some air, I thought, and went to get my jacket. I opened the door and Rebecca Granville was standing right outside talking to Janeanne.
"Hi, Rebecca. I was just leaving..."
"My God, Eric. What's wrong? You look horrible."
That was it.
I broke.
I completely fell apart, a huge sob exploded from me. The room was spinning and Rebecca and Janeanne got me back into my office and closed the door.
I lost it.
