No one, he replied softly. Yeah, right. No one, he was on the phone with the dial tone.
"Your boyfriend? Were you talking to Mark?"
"I... I was leaving a message on his machine," he confessed. "I wanted to tell him what he's done to us -- to you and me, Andrew. I wanted to make him call you and to tell you this whole thing was his idea. God, Andrew it started on New Years's Eve."
"I don't want to hear anymore!"
Didn't Eric know what this was doing to me? Didn't he know how humiliating it was to know your lover had been cheating behind your back for months without your knowledge? Didn't he know how much I hated him right now?!
Obviously he didn't care -- because he just kept on and on...
"Andrew -- at the party, on New Year's Eve... remember? He just showed up? Neither of us invited him, how did he know about it? And then I thought he was there to find you, to seduce you -- and in the middle of it, he distracted me and the next thing I knew, it was midnight and you weren't there -- and I was standing there with Mark -- and he kissed me. HE kissed ME."
"SHUT UP -- SHUT UP -- PLEASE, SHUT UP!" I screamed at him and went into the kitchen. I got a bottle of wine from the fridge and opened it -- poured a glass and took a long drink, trying to calm myself. But Eric followed me there and still, kept on...
"Andrew -- that was the beginning -- I will take some of the blame, of course I will but not all of it. Not all of it, Andrew. That's not fair."
I took another big drink of Chardonnay. It did calm me when I held up my hand to tell him to stop and noticed the ring on my finger -- not a wedding band - -we'd never gotten formally married -- but it symbolized commitment, trust, promises... it almost made me cry out loud when I saw it.
"Eric -- see this ring? You gave it to me almost four years ago on Mulholland Drive, late that night in June. You kissed me, the same way you say Mark kissed you -- "
"Not the same," he interrupted.
"Yes! The same! This ring meant everything -- and now...what? Empty. "
I stopped. I couldn't continue, I wouldn't cry. I refused to cry but neither of us could speak. I was stuck in the center of every possible feeling I could have. I hated, I loved, I was jealous, grief-stricken, angry, sad... all of it and I couldn't even speak.
I was tempted to take off the ring, toss it at him, or toss it in the garbage disposal... but I didn't... not right then. I thought... maybe later. Silence filled the kitchen. We just looked at each other for almost five minutes. He knew not to come near me, not to touch me, not to try anything...
Finally, he spoke. "Are you leaving me?"
"I don't know."
"Andrew-- don't. Please, don't"
"I'll sleep in the den tonight -- I need to be alone, Eric. I need..."
I didn't finish. I couldn't. Words didn't give comfort-- they just confused. I took the wine, including the bottle and left him in the kitchen. I went into the den and closed the door.
I wasn't crying. I wasn't screaming. I wasn't anything.
